whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
