im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
