i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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