No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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