Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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