don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
