I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
