he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
