he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize