If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
