you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
