I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize