all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
