i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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