My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
