I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
