my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
