Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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