She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
