he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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