were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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