i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize