I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize