Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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