I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize