did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I want to be your penis for a week.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize