I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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