She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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