My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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