she woke up with a sticky ear
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
