Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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