What did we do last night that was yellow?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
