Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I have post one night stand depression
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
