then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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