Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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