Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
