You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
