i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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