your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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