i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
