My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
