the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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