watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
