I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
time to smoke my breakfast
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
