Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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