He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Do you remember whose house we're in?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
