Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
