i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
