i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
