she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize