I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
