im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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