im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
