I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
