bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
should my penis look like a turkey
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
