Don't make out with my wife yet
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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