Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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