I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
