Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
