Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
